Some people post really innocuous, but at the same time, publicly awkward status updates on Facebook. That's their thing, I'm cool with that. That's how they deal. This particular post and video is probably a bit more self-indulgent than I would normally be comfortable with, but nobody reads my blog anyways. That's the reassuring thing about being emo in your blog, the truth is, nobody knows about it, and even if they did, nobody fucking cares. You aren't reading this unless you've stumbled onto it by accident or you went out of your own way to look for it. Either way, happy reading!
Yeah so this day was pretty brutal for me. It's really to hard to put into words the type of relationship I shared with Yennej (clearly not an alias). For sure though, it was not one of those perfect unions where people are clapping as you walk into the room in slow motion, with the trademark thumbs up and pat on the back by some random dude; which is unfortunate, because everybody deserves that kind of relationship. Not the clapping part (and definitely not the creepy back patting dude), but the part where you are really proud of the relationship itself and very happy with the person you're with.
I chalk up the failure of our relationship to a variety of factors both inside and outside of our control. What this post is mainly about is my role in all of this. I can, with a great deal of certainty, attribute a ton of responsibility to myself for our breakup. I'm a textbook commitaphobe, but to me it didn't feel like a fear of commitment. It felt more like two people being wrong for each other and it was my duty to correct it. With that line of thinking, I could always justify trying to end the relationship, I could justify just about anything.
But was I *really* with the wrong person? How are you really supposed to know? If you aren't sure what love is, then what do you do when you're with someone and all they've ever wanted was just that?
Not one to withhold credit where it is due, I have to give her some props, this was one tough chick. I don't think I've ever given her even *one minute* of reassurances in the entire three year span we've been together that I was going to be sticking around. I wasn't sure what I really wanted to do, and I didn't want to lie. So when decision time came around, I opted out of the relationship every time. The crazy thing is she continued to stick with me, to believe that things will get better. Lesser girls would have already stabbed me in my sleep and cut off my ball-sack feeding it to wild coyotes, but not her.
I know she will laugh about this later (hell, she's probably laughing about it now) but she would actually break up with me to prove a point, or at least I think she was doing that. My problem is that I would never quite get the message. I would be sad, but ultimately I would self-justify that it was for the best and move on, usually just hang out at a party or two only to get a call from her that night asking "wassup?"
Wassup? Umm aren't we broken up? Why are you calling? She would get SO PISSED, because apparently she was only breaking up with me to make me realize that "I really wanted to be with her and be a better boyfriend".
Oh that's why you did that? My bad. LOL.
One time, I kid you not, she did this over a powerpoint presentation (we both went to business school) and it was AMAZING. I'm talking slide transitions, an interactive global map, like EVERYTHING. To this day I'm still trying to get a copy of this powerpoint breakup presentation, but she won't cough up the goods on the off-chance that I use it to "reveal how crazy she is". (What she didn't factor in is that I'd be making a blog about it cementing her infamy in the blogosphere.)
I thought it was too dangerous, to let go and just admit to someone that you care about them, maybe even love them, because what if you took it back? That would be such a dick move.
I've come to learn that the *real* danger is thinking that you are stronger than other people because they can't hurt you; thinking that you shouldn't reveal any feelings at all because you're worried you could change your mind. I've been doing that for 23 years, and it's great and all, except when you have a total emotional breakdown because you realize you've just been a total douche your entire life and you finally want to make things right.
Something deep within me woke up the day she told me she was going to Singapore with another guy. It was really surreal, because one second, I'm continuing down the well worn path (by being all too ready and polite about saying goodbye) and wishing her the best of luck her on her new venture, and the next second, BAM!! I'm on a plane back to Boston to stop her from making THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE. In all seriousness, who really knows if her decision is a mistake or not? Maybe this could be the best, for the both of us. Maybe just for her? Maybe I will finally find the person I'm meant to be with out of all of this. (Or maybe I'll be alone and die someday in a BASE jumping accident. Lol, I kid around but this could definitely be a possibility. See: apparently BASE jumping is NOT safe)
Also to be completely fair, I was the one to say goodbye first when I made the decision to move to Texas. All Yennej did was continue the spirit of my decision and tell me to screw off when I showed up to Boston eight months later. At the time, Texas should have been a very temporary thing. This "Texas" decision is a whole 'nother blog post so I won't get into it.
Every time I tried saying goodbye to her, it always came out screwed up somehow. Either we are being rushed by flight times at the airport or revealing that she was more than just friends with the "other guy" and making everything about our last 30 seconds together awkward. Maybe there isn't a clean way to ever say goodbye, maybe goodbye was never meant to be poetic and reassuring, but rather heart wrenching and unfinished.
...
By the way, the "mouth closing spell" was "Silencio!" We haven't spoken in months, in a roundabout way, I guess the spell finally worked.
One last thing: Fuck airports.
